Life

Even after nearly a quarter century of existence, I still haven't really figured out the meaning of life. What is the point of my existence? What do I live for? How should I spend my life? For even as I type this sentence, life is used up, whether we like it or not. What a pity it is to own something so precious which is running out, and yet not understand how to use it properly. Sure, as a Buddhist I know the 'best' answers to the above questions. But knowing is different from realising. And I have realised little, except that I realised that I realise little about it. I have given thought to it a few times in the past, but somehow I always forget my answers.

I guess I lack a strong ideal in life.

I'm a boat floating in a vast ocean amid other boats. I'm not aimless, but the destination is usually a short distance away and I lack a strong general direction. I'm too fickle. When a strong wave crashes against me, I might turn into another direction. Sometimes I think deeply about life, and the next moment I might forget what I thought about and fritter away my time on computer games. What a life. After I passed on, I might look back on my life and scream, what the hell were you doing floating to and fro in the same place all the time?!!

Long term direction aside, there are short term aims. First and foremost, complete my PhD programme successfully. Next, tame my mind. Threads of different, distracting, even conflicting thoughts wander all around the crevices of my mind all the time. Bring them to heel and I would have better focus, concentration and self-control. Also, I want more and different experiences, a more exciting life. Among my friends, it seems that life is only about studies, eat or yam cha with friends, and dating. I missed the time I have had in Canada. It was a time of adventure, risk-taking, seeing the world. The time I was nearly marooned on a hill at dusk with temperatures approaching zero degrees, or the time I nearly missed the last train out of the middle of an unfamiliar place at midnight. Those were scary and anxious moments then. Its a cherished memory now. When I talked to new students in Singapore or read their blogs, it brings back the memories. Courage and initiative were not in short supply while I was in Canada. I wonder where had those gone now.

Taming the mind requires discipline, which implies routine. As in 'do it because its the right thing to do'. An exciting life should require unpredictability, making decisions and doing things on the fly, and illogic/craziness. As in 'its great fun so to hell with the implications'. Its kinda hard to mix and match both. Besides, its not really exciting in Singapore either. I don't think there's any way for me to get lost here, haha.

There should be a way. All is required to get this lazy bum (me) to spend some effort and time to figure it out more thoroughly.